Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt where cousins Christmas and Cara tick off the wild, sometimes ridiculous wishes from the bucket list of the late, great Bonnie—Christmas's mom and Cara's bonus mom. Every episode, we unpack grief and life’s absurdities through belly laughs, bizarre encounters, and the kind of soul-searching that only happens when you're half a bottle deep into questionable wine, munching on crackers and what-the-hell-is-this cheese. It's not just about where we go, but the oddballs we meet, the unbelievable stories we gather, and the existential crises we tackle together. Strap in and hold on —Bonnie's list isn’t going to complete itself, and things are about to get hilariously out of hand!
Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Mother's Day...and Other Landmines
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We're back after a short hiatus due to life commitments, travel plans, and some social media frustrations that temporarily derailed our recording schedule. We dive into the complexities of Mother's Day and how it affects people differently depending on their relationship with motherhood.
• Breaking down why Mother's Day is more complicated than just celebrating mothers
• Examining whether wishing "Happy Mother's Day" to non-mothers is appropriate
• Discussing the varying expectations mothers have for the holiday
• Exploring how to celebrate the day when you've lost your mother
• Sharing personal experiences of how we observe (or don't observe) Mother's Day
• Comparing Mother's Day expectations to Father's Day and birthday celebrations
• Detailing our approaches to caregiving during illness and recovery
We sincerely apologize for the technical difficulties at the end of this episode - we're learning and promise to figure this shit out. Thanks for putting up with us!
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
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We're Back After a Hiatus
Speaker 1Are we recording? Yes Sibilance, all right, so Dead Mom Scavenger Hut, welcome back. It's been a hot minute. We've been on a little bit of a hiatus because of a few reasons. One life sometimes does things and gets in the way you were traveling, which is very exciting. I was traveling.
Speaker 2We got a little frustrated with our social media. We had technology, we had some exciting. We got a little frustrated with our social media. We had technology.
Speaker 1We had some technology. We're going to work it out. We're going to work it out and we will figure out exactly what Instagram is going to be, because Instagram we're new here, not to the planet, just to being responsible adults on it. Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, instagram was being responsible. Adults on it. Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, Instagram was being kind of Well.
Speaker 2Later we were trying to Later, the later app. Yeah, yeah, anyway, that's neither here nor there.
Speaker 1No, but we're working it out and the good news is back.
Speaker 2We're back, yeah, yeah, it's also we like to record in person, absolutely, and Christmas lives two and a half hours away from me. Yes, sadly, sadly so it is challenging to get together sometimes when we both have full schedules and what's not.
Speaker 1We need to figure out how to do like a time wrinkle, but she just ate a fly.
Speaker 2Your dog just ate a fly. He's so gross that was impressive.
Speaker 1I kiss you on the face. She's oh no, no, no, spit it out, spit it out, okay, okay, hold her face and I'm gonna get a tissue no, no, oh, my god, I'm getting hold her.
Speaker 2I can't, I can't hold her.
Speaker 1She's like the Mr Miyagi of the dog world. Okay, I got it. Horrified. Abandon Kara. Horrified abandon.
Speaker 2Oh my God, that is like my least favorite thing about myself, that you eat flies. No, that I gag so easily.
Speaker 1I don't gag that easily, but I do hate flies, birdie, please don't do that to me again. Apparently when I was little. I don't know if this, if you did this as well, but I guess when I was a baby I was super obsessed with flies and would like follow them around and like try to touch them. And mom hated flies and was so upset by it that she actually told me if I touched a fly I would die.
Speaker 2Oh, my God. No, I did not do that First of all well that's a special little.
Speaker 1I mean, you know, winged things are kind of exciting. I thought it was a pretty aggressive response to tell me if I touched one I would die. What if one accidentally lands on you, you would have figured out your mom was a liar.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, she was not above lying to us. Yeah, um, well, okay. So birdie didn't actually for those of you who are not patreons and seeing the video she didn't actually swallow it. She bit it, killed it, spit it out, thought about eating it. Kara grabbed her face so she couldn't eat it and I went and got a tissue and took its body and disposed of it but it was like kind of masticated it was wet I think that's a word masticated masticated it was, I mean it was a good veterinary and it might have recovered.
Speaker 1It was like kind of masticated Is that a word? It was wet I think that's a word Masticated. Masticated, I mean with a good veterinary and it might have recovered. It was just a little wet, yeah.
Speaker 2I have a weak constitution.
Speaker 1I don't think that's true. Flies are especially gross.
Birdie Eats a Fly
Speaker 2Oh, and now she's all ashamed. Her face is hanging out, I know.
Speaker 1I know you were just trying to save us. It's fine. The fly was evil. It was evil and you took care of it.
Speaker 2Well, all that is to say, we're back, yep.
Speaker 1Yep, we sure are. Thanks for your patience.
Speaker 2What do you want to talk about first today? Well, I think you wanted to talk about Mother's Day. Yes, let's talk about Mother's Day, and since it's past Mother's Day, we should probably do that one and get it out. It just happened recently. Today is June 1st, so we're recording this just after Mother's Day. Happy.
Speaker 1Pride Month. Oh, happy Pride Month. It's Pride Month. Yay, I should be wearing something more Colorful Rainbow. Yeah, I have some really cool pride clothes that I'm not even wearing right now. Well, we'll get there. It's also PTSD Awareness.
Speaker 2Month.
Speaker 1Do you think that there's a reason those two are together? No, I think that's a coincidence. Well, do you also think it's a coincidence that Mother's Day and Mental Health Awareness Month are the same month?
Speaker 2That might be intentional.
Mother's Day Complexities
Speaker 1You think that one's maybe, Maybe, yeah. So Mother's Day happened recently. Kara is a mother, I am not. Mother's Day has always kind of been an afterthought for me until mom passed and that it was just like, oh, it's the day that you celebrate your mom. But I had a really myopic view of it and that I didn't think about all the other kind of ways Mother's Day could hit different and affect people. And part of this is because I worked an event on Mother's Day with a dear friend and who's helping me out and I it was kind of subconscious but kind of conscious in that when people would come up to the booth I usually waited until I was pretty sure it was a mom and daughter or that someone was a mom, before saying Happy Mother's Day, because for some people it could be a more challenging day.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's a challenging day for my dad. Yeah, he didn't even call me on Mother's Day, really. Yeah, I was a little butthurt about it.
Speaker 1I didn't call you either.
Speaker 2I text you no, I mean that's fine, okay, and I don't.
Speaker 1I didn't call you like a crazy person. I don't need like attention.
Speaker 2I was busy doing my own thing right. But I also know that my dad lost his mom. Yeah, and her birthday is like the day before mother's day, yeah, so it's kind of like an extra whammy for him. Yeah, he goes and takes her flowers and and that was he's still reeling from losing her. Yeah, which was like 17 years ago. Yeah, has it been that long? Yeah, god damn, I know. So I know that he struggles. That wasn't losing her. She died christmas eve 17 years ago, so that ruined Christmas and Mother's Day happy mother's day.
Speaker 1And the woman said to her oh yeah, happy mother's day, are you a mom? And my friend said no, and the woman said notice how I asked you first. Oh, that's kind of aggressive. Yeah, and like shitty jesus. Yeah, and I was thinking about it. Do you have a mom? Though, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, whether or not you are one, we should celebrate moms, whether they're yours or not.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's just a day to celebrate mothers in general. Mother figures Exactly. Bonnie wasn't technically my mom, but I would text her Happy Mother's Day Exactly.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2I'm a mom, yeah, but I still text my mom and Jeremy's mom yeah, this one was what a bitch.
Speaker 1Okay, that's what I was going to ask you. Is this, wasn't that a bitchy thing? Yeah, that's bitchy. Or is it one of those things where maybe this well, she was in her 60s, so I don't think she was suffering from infertility at the moment.
Speaker 2She probably is infertile at the moment.
Speaker 1Actually, yes, I would hope yes, but it wasn't something she was working on.
Speaker 2She had to be over it by now, or maybe not, or maybe she lost a child or something. I can see where she might have been.
Speaker 1That seems like maybe an overly sensitive response somehow well, this is my thought, even with people for whom it is very prickly if I think a lot goes to intent. Yes, my friend was just trying to be joyous and celebrate moms and say happy mother's day. Oh, have something to say, because it's this you know, art fair and we're, you know, selling art and presenting art and it's just a conversation starter. But for this woman to go so hard, she didn't have to go that hard, she chose to go that hard. Like notice how I asked you first I was like god damn I think I think that was rude.
Speaker 2First of all, okay, agree of her, um, and I think that, like, maybe, if she is sensitive about that, yeah, that's a her problem. Yeah, everybody wishes everyone, like, like my friends who don't celebrate Christmas or Halloween or whatever.
Speaker 1Shout out to my.
Speaker 2Jews out there, yeah, like they don't get mad. No, how dare you how? Dare I celebrate something that's important to me?
Speaker 1Yeah, I will say from living in LA so long I am 100% conditioned, I always say happy holidays. Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 2But this is a very specific mother's day Also because there's Kwanzaa.
Speaker 1You know there's a lot of holidays in that general realm.
Speaker 2You can't say happy holidays for Mother's Day, though, no.
Speaker 1Because that's just a very specific day. It's a one and done, yeah, yeah. So what are you, since you are a mom and I am not? How much of a shit do you give about mother's day?
Speaker 2I don't expect much for mother's day. Like, okay, I don't get presents, typically parker, I think I said so I went out for a walk with moo early, okay, so here's how my mother's day panned out this year. Ok, jeremy was super sick.
Speaker 1Jeremy's her husband. For those of you just joining, us. Yeah, my husband Moo is her dog, for those of you just joining us, and Parker is my son, for those of you just joining us.
Speaker 2Jeremy was super sick, like 103 fever, oh dear, like really really sick. Ok, the weekend of Mother's Day it kind of came down Friday evening and stayed.
Managing Expectations as a Mom
Speaker 2Really, really bad till like Monday basically, and so I started my day waking up extra early and getting him, caring for him, mothering, mothering my husband, which I'm fine with because he, you know, wasn't he was sick. Yeah, it's just an arbitrary day that we've decided on, right, right, like, I'm not going to be like, but it's my day for breakfast and bed. I feel like some people are like that, though. So then I got up and I walked the dog. I took care of Jeremy, made sure he was cool. He went back to sleep. I went and walked the dog, took my own walk. Yeah, woke up, realized it was mother day, ran to the store, bought me tulips, and which was really sweet. So he bought me some tulips, and he was so excited what a good deal he got on them, because he's super cheap. I love how cheap he is. He's so cheap, and I don't know.
Speaker 2I don't know where he gets it from aim for me, yeah but he's super frugal and, um, he was like telling me what a great deal he got on the tulips, which I thought was so cute, and so it's not. To me it's not a big deal as long as I get to do what I want to do. On Mother's Day, I like that like Jeremy was sick and we had plans to go golf and so I did. I went and golfed with my friends without him because he wasn't feeling well and he was like have fun. You know, sorry, I can't come.
Speaker 2I'm like, yeah, I still get to do what I want to do. But I'm not expecting. I don't know.
Speaker 1I just want a day to chill, maybe yeah, I think there are people for whom it's very much it's my day and we get to do whatever it is I want, which. There's people who but I also think that's people who those don't have the luxury that you and I do of having set up their lives in a way in which they get to do a lot of things they want to do anyway All the time.
Speaker 2Yeah, those are also the people who end up with a birthday month, yes, who like it's all about them for the entire month.
Speaker 1Yes, right.
Speaker 2Yes, and that's fine, because we're not really big on birthdays. No, I forget everybody's birthday all the time. Same yeah, terrible, oh yeah, and I hope it doesn't hurt any five ever, if anyone's listening who's? I've forgotten your birthday. I'm so sorry, it's just not on my list.
Speaker 1Okay, we're going to pinky swear right now, because I know I've forgotten yours and you've probably forgotten mine.
Speaker 2We will never give I don't care, I would not be mad if you didn't text me on my birthday.
Speaker 1I wouldn't either.
Speaker 2It's like, yeah, it's just not a big deal.
Speaker 1Yeah. So I have a question, though. But the birthday month people, for them, their birthdays are A big deal. Yeah, and it's hard for me to to get into that mindset.
Speaker 2Well, I just don't really need it, Like there's other things going on in the world that don't revolve around me.
Speaker 1Yeah, but I know some people who are super generous and super giving and not that self-centered, who do care about their birthday a lot. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2It probably comes down to how you were raised and maybe tradition a little bit. Yeah, maybe, Because, like my dad never really made a big fuss over my birthday and I luckily, Jeremy, doesn't really care about it either Parker has been raised that way. So we we don't buy each other cards on our birthdays, even like we might make each other a card, yeah, but we don't like. It's more about like experiences together or like I'll buy him something but I don't know.
Speaker 1I have noticed that it's people who tend to be in bigger families, who have like a lot of brothers and sisters, who care more about their birthday.
Speaker 2Maybe it's the only day to feel really special. Yeah, which great. So my question to you is how did you and Bonnie celebrate Mother's Day when she was alive?
Speaker 1I would just always ask her what do you want to do? If you want to do nothing, that's great. If you want me to like come cook, that's great. If you want to go do something, that's great. It was very laissez fairefaire. It wasn't ever a huge to-do, and it might be not on the day. It might have been like for Mother's Day. I want to go to this play in a couple weeks or go to dinner at a restaurant that's not open yet. It was very fluid.
Speaker 2Yeah, I think it was pretty aggressive of that woman to to say that because you you were sort of distracting yourself on mother's day and you could have easily been like offended by people saying happy mother's day to you because you lost your mom. Like no, it's not a happy mother's day for me actually.
Speaker 1Thank you very much I mean, I still think people. I guess I'm not thinking it so much as a salutation, as it should be just happy Mother's Day. Like let's celebrate moms in all their you know, different incantations.
Speaker 2Yeah, like let's celebrate you know you don't have to be, so the bottom line is she was insinuating that you had to be a mom to celebrate Mother's Day.
Speaker 1Kind of it kind of felt that way.
Speaker 2And I think that's completely false.
Speaker 1And there's people who had moms and they had shit moms, yeah, who who were not great. We don't yeah. I mean yeah, and if you're not a mom, but you had a shitty mom, maybe for you's day is like why are we celebrating?
Speaker 2these assholes. However, there are other moms in the world that should be celebrated, that were great, even though yours wasn't, you know, yeah, yeah, it's also like maybe about other people and not about you, right, like wouldn't that?
Speaker 1be nice if the rest of us figured that. Figure that out.
Speaker 2Yeah, I think that was a little over the top.
Celebrating Despite Loss
Speaker 1Do you have friends who have higher expectations of Mother's Day? Yeah, definitely Don't you. I you don't know a lot of friends that are moms. I was going to say I don't have a lot. I mean, I do have some and you know I always ask them what are you doing for Mother's Day? But a lot of their kids are older too, so they're either at university or you know their kids are cute and they'll do the whole breakfast in bed thing because I think it's just become part of the lexicon of Mother's Day.
Speaker 2I would never. That would never happen at my house. But I will say I did use the opportunity to guilt Parker into driving me to golf and picking me up great, and I ended up getting hammered great, loving this for you. It is a little bit of like I use it a little bit of a as a bargaining chip it's a it's a free, it's a free pass for me to kind of do, to act, to behave badly.
Speaker 1Love that. But also you could probably use it as a bargaining chip. Even not on that day, be like, well, I don't want it right now, but for mothers, you remember when you have to make like the coupon box, yeah, good for one free hug. You could be like good for one free, driving me without any questions. And you have to do it. Like Parker needs to make you the the 19 year old. He would coupon book. He would never if you told him this is what I want for mother's day is a coupon book. What do you say?
Speaker 2I don't think you'd do it, because I told him I wanted him to wash my car for mother's day.
Speaker 2He said he said you just washed it. And I was like, yeah, he's all nah bitch, but that was like a week and a half ago and it's dirty again, okay. So he had he was working on his truck, he was I don't know swapping out his suspension or doing something crazy, and so he stopped what he was doing and drove me to get to drop me off and yeah, and then I think we probably ordered dinner in or something like that. And just, of course, I'm not cooking like, okay, that's unspoken, oh, okay, okay, because I don't enjoy it right, right, right Right.
Speaker 1That's another thing.
Speaker 2Okay, I think if you're, if it's coming down to like what I expect on Mother's Day, I expect to not expect, to not do things I don't want to do.
Speaker 1I do like that. I feel like I kind of do that every day.
Speaker 2Yeah, we're getting there. It's trying to trying to fall into. Yeah.
Speaker 1But it's getting harder and harder. I do want to say I can appreciate for the people who, you know, were moms and lost a child. Unbelievably hard, for the people who always wanted to be a mom and couldn't unbelievably hard. We had some guests staying here in our Airbnb and they were here visiting one kid and had lost another child and that child's birthday was right around Mother's Day, so I could see it being very bittersweet, but they were like it is. But also on Mother's Day we eat his favorite food and we talk about him and, you know, drink things that he would have liked and it's kind of a another celebration of him yeah, even though he's not here, to be able to celebrate mother's day for me. This is what she said.
Speaker 2I was like, oh my god, you're like the most giving mom you could do that too with bonnie, like sure we could go to her favorite restaurant and drink her favorite wine and celebrate Yahtzee and cheese and wine.
Speaker 1I mean sure, yeah, what did I call it? Cheese and crackers? Oh, at a restaurant, pardon me, do you have cheese and crackers on your menu? I think it's called a cheese plate. No, I think we should just call it cheese and crackers. We just call it cheese and crackers. Out here, we call it cheese and crackers. Up in the hills, we just call it cheese and crackers. Out here, we call it cheese and crackers. Little honey, yeah, yeah, mother's Day. It's a weird thing, and it doesn't seem to have the same connotation for Father's Day, because do dads even give a shit? Like, does Jeremy give a shit about Father's Day?
Speaker 2Oh, he does, he definitely wants to do what he wants's. It's the same, though he doesn't expect like if I was super sick on Father's Day. He's not.
Speaker 1I like how you took a big inhale and exhale before that.
Speaker 2He's not a super caregiver, right, like he's not super concerned when I'm still pretty much taking care of myself when I'm sick, right, is that?
Speaker 1by choice or because he's not good at it, He'll never listen.
Speaker 2No he's good at it Like he. He has, like when I've had surgeries before, he has definitely cared for me and, like, helped me manage my meds and stuff. Yeah, but he's not going to dote on me.
Caregiving and Recovery Stories
Speaker 1Right Hammer really tries when I'm sick, and when I'm sick I just want to be left alone. Oh sweet, don't help me, stay away. I can handle my own stuff. Maybe I want to water every now and then, but I don't like being taken care of when I'm sick, see, when the last time I had surgery was for I had my explant.
Speaker 2I had my fake boobs taken out, yeah, and a lift yeah. So I was, you know. You know how, like you really pretty much can't do anything, yeah, arms after that for a little while.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2I was in a lot of pain and so he really was great about, like, making me food, like I appreciate feeding me when I can't feed myself.
Speaker 1I do like that. Yeah, the last surgery I had was my breast reduction, yeah, and the food part, yes. But also I was like I'm going to prefer to sleep in the living room on the couch, I'm going to prefer to manage my own meds. Because I also knew that I was going to be my waking and non-waking hours were going to be so all over the place that I was going to be, my waking and non-waking hours were going to be so all over the place that I didn't want to. I was like, let me just do this over here and not let it affect you.
Speaker 2I definitely manage my own meds now regardless because, Jeremy, when I had, when I had my fake boobs put in, like years and years and years ago, he was in charge of my painkillers, yeah, and he was giving me. We tried to give me one. Oh, I was. I was like I want to and he was like I just I'm afraid you'll get addicted or whatever. And I was like, oh my God, I'm in so much fucking pain right now, Like, give me that. It says one to two every four to six hours. Oh, thank goodness, my husband started crying. I was like, give me the fucking pills. Like it was so painful.
Speaker 1Oh, that's sweet that he doesn't want you to get addicted. My husband would be like it says one to two every four to six hours. You should probably take two every three hours to really stay ahead of it, which I appreciate.
Speaker 2But also, I hate taking Norco and like they make my skin crawl. I don't like taking them unless I absolutely am in pain, Like it's not crawl. I don't like taking them unless I absolutely am in pain, Like it's not something.
Speaker 1I don't mind.
Speaker 2It's not like I even forgot that I had some. I had a migraine a few days ago.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And the my dad came by and he was like oh, you should take a Norco.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Like I didn't even think about it.
Speaker 1Like.
Speaker 2I forgot, I even had some, yeah.
Speaker 1So it I, we have it, because anytime I have surgery or have a prescription for anything like that, I try to get off it as soon as possible so I can have them.
Speaker 2This is because our medical because our medical system is so fucked up in this country that I'm like I just want to stockpile them, in case I, you know, roll my ankle or whatever we have like three bottles of prescription painkillers in the safe at home, you know, because we have a teenager in the house and he's a pretty good teenager, I don't feel like he would give a shit. He wouldn't, but it's still not worth it to you.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2Plus if he has a friend over or whatever.
Speaker 1Right, right, right. I'm not trying to contribute to any. Yeah, we don't have to have a safe like that. But certain ones, like I'm great with Norco, I'm great with Percocet, vicodin will make me so nauseous.
Speaker 2Oh really, oh, it's the worst Huh.
Technical Difficulties Explanation
Speaker 1Hey guys, Hi, we're back. We realized that there was some technical difficulty at the end of the Mother's Day episode. Sorry about that.
Speaker 2Shove of the shiv to descript yeah, shove of the shiv.
Speaker 1We are not impressed with their technical prowess, and it's not a last problem, it's a them problem, but we've learned and it won't happen to us again. Yeah, we apologize for the abruptness with which the Mother's Day episode ended.
Speaker 2We just peaced right out on you and then we didn't edit it. We thought, oh, this is fine, we'll just put it up, and then realized that the end had gotten cut off. So you know, in our haste.
Speaker 1We missed you guys so much. We just wanted to get something out there. But trust us when we say you didn't miss anything good, we wrapped it up right at the end there. So there's only just a short little snippet and we didn't say anything interesting. And the good news is we are learning so much.
Speaker 2Yes, and the next like from here on out, expect greatness. So, anyways, have a wonderful rest of your day and we love you. Goodbye, thank you, bye.
