Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt where cousins Christmas and Cara tick off the wild, sometimes ridiculous wishes from the bucket list of the late, great Bonnie—Christmas's mom and Cara's bonus mom. Every episode, we unpack grief and life’s absurdities through belly laughs, bizarre encounters, and the kind of soul-searching that only happens when you're half a bottle deep into questionable wine, munching on crackers and what-the-hell-is-this cheese. It's not just about where we go, but the oddballs we meet, the unbelievable stories we gather, and the existential crises we tackle together. Strap in and hold on —Bonnie's list isn’t going to complete itself, and things are about to get hilariously out of hand!
Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Marriage: It's a Team Sport With Mismatched Jerseys
Two decades of marriage has taught us that every couple creates their own unique contract, with different rules, boundaries, and arrangements that work specifically for them. We explore what makes marriages last and how to navigate the complexities of sharing your life with another person.
• Identifying deal breakers early in the relationship creates clear boundaries
• Having separate finances can eliminate major sources of conflict for couples with different spending styles
• Finding ways to accommodate each other's quirks without constant criticism
• The "marriage contract" concept—recognizing that each couple creates their own terms
• Adjusting expectations as you grow and change together over time
• Learning to distinguish between what truly matters and what you can let slide
• How living with someone for decades creates patterns and rhythms unique to your relationship
• Maintaining individuality within marriage through personal space and independence
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Holla at us with questions or comments:
Email: dmshpod@gmail.com
Insta: @deadmomscavengerhunt
Follow us on Facebook!
Christmas IG: @drugstorecowgirljewelry
Cara IG: @cara.steinmann
OR you can get all the uncut video and audio if you join us on Patreon. See you there!
okay, welcome back to dead mom scavenger hunt yes, welcome back, we're back back and better than ever?
Speaker 2:uh duh, just keep getting better with age. I mean I want you. I mean, yeah, speaking of age and things that are old, your marriage, where are you going with this? Well, you just celebrated a pretty big milestone for marriage. Marriage, 20 years. We did, congratulations, thank you uh, it was.
Speaker 1:That's a big deal. That's a big deal for anyone. That's a really big deal. Um, my parents neither one of my parents stayed married for very long. Yeah, any of the times they got married.
Speaker 2:Same. Yeah. Well, my dad's been married for longer, but that's a whole different can of worms.
Speaker 1:Is he happy?
Speaker 2:No, absolutely not.
Speaker 1:So my dad was not super stoked when Jeremy and I got engaged, I remember, and he insisted that we go to therapy, I remember, to make sure that we were going to be okay. Yeah, which is like there's no guarantees.
Speaker 2:No, you then had to go to therapy over a sandwich. Well, that was later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Over a chicken salad sandwich. Yeah, put a pin in that, we'll circle back. He was like you, we got married, yeah. And then every year, like every year that we were married, he got like a little bit less skeptical, right. Less nervous, less nervous. And then we hit 10 years, yeah, and he completely like 180. Looped and it was like all about us being married. Oh, interesting, and I think it's because him and my mom were married for 10 years.
Speaker 2:Okay, so he, you made it out of the woods.
Speaker 1:We now we've done something he didn't wasn't able to do, sure, and so and like I don't think I know it's like it takes two to tango, yeah, um, and they both definitely had, like, their issues in the marriage and stuff. I would agree, but our marriage, like mine and Jeremy's marriage, is so much different than theirs, like like it's just every marriage is so different. Your mom helped me understand that because I would see, like other couples doing things that didn't make sense to me. Like like this one friend of ours cheated on her husband, yeah, and he took her back and they ended up like with one of our best friends and he, he took her back and they've, they're still together.
Speaker 1:Really, it blew my mind. Do I know this person? I don't think so, okay, great, but it blew my mind because I was like, oh my God, how do you get over that? And your mom was like Bonnie was like, well, that's not your contract, yeah, that's their contract, right. And that concept to me was really interesting because it was like each, like every relationship, especially a marriage, right has its own contract that you negotiate with your partner and you can renegotiate that contract at any time, right, also true. So that was like something that your mom gave me like a concept, a way of thinking about marriage and the relationship that has been really, really helpful to me over the years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, would that be your biggest tip or trick, like figure out what your contract is? I have a couple actually. Okay, let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think identifying your deal breakers right out of the gate, okay, and it feels a little taboo to give marriage advice, so I'm not doing that. Don't consider this marriage advice, but I will just convey we're not going to get sued, no, I mean, it's bad luck, oh, oh, because I am very aware that it's like these are observations, this isn't advice, these are observations, these are just observations. Yes, absolutely, yeah, okay. So I think that it's helpful to identify deal breakers right out of the gate, okay, things that you know are going that you're not going to be able to come back from, sure. So for Jeremy and I, it was cheating and hitting. Like if you ever cheated on me, yeah, or you ever hit me, yeah, I know I could never come back from that and have the same quality, like just personally because of my own trauma, yeah.
Speaker 2:For me. I don't think it would even. It wouldn't even be hitting it, would be any kind of like physicality.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay. Like pushing someone I just liked that cheating and beating it rhymed, and so that, oh, that's nice, that's nice.
Speaker 2:Like a nice mnemonic device.
Speaker 1:Cheating and beating, cheating and beating those are my deal breakers, but. But anything else you have to work through, sure. So it kind of sets you up for a scenario where, like, also, like, if you ever we talked about it, I'm like I guess if you ever wanted out, all you'd have to do is cheat on me because I'm fucking gone.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's better ways to get out. Depends on how much of a chicken shit you are. I guess that's true. That's true, yeah. That's true, yeah.
Speaker 1:And no offense to my friends who are chicken shits, because I do have a friend who really needs to get divorced. By the way, if you're listening, I love you.
Speaker 2:Well, no, but also, if you're listening and you just heard a weird sigh in the background and you're not a Patreon, so you're not getting the video, that is my dog snoring. She's sitting in between us. Yes, okay, sorry, carry on, no offense to your chicken shit friends.
Speaker 1:No, I don't. I don't mean that because I know how hard it is, like it's not easy, no, to end a relationship if you are getting divorced. Yeah, it's difficult and there are financial obstacles and you know logistical and emotional, all of the things right.
Speaker 2:I feel like the logistical obstacles are some of the hardest ones for people. Even when they're, and then with or without kids involved, that adds a whole other degree of difficulty.
Speaker 1:I just. I have a friend who used to have dreams that her husband cheated on her and she'd wake up so happy because then, she could leave. Oh, I think I know who this is. Yeah and, but but yeah, so I. I'm glad my parents divorced Same.
Speaker 2:Same.
Speaker 1:Because they were terrible for each other, same and. I think not every, not every two, not every pair is meant to be together, like I think in our instance, jeremy and I are just like he's my best friend. Yeah, I love him to death. Yeah, our chemistry is really good. I've always felt really, really attracted to him and, yeah, he's just like the best person I know. Yeah, but not everybody feels that way and we do change.
Speaker 2:Like if you're not growing together, you might be growing apart. Right, it's hard and that's okay too. Yeah, but I totally agree, my parents were terrible together and I think part of separating is teaching your kid or me in this scenario like your happiness should be a priority. If people that are like, oh, we're just gonna stick out for the kids, but you're fucking miserable, what is that? Teaching your kids Like yeah, yeah, it is. I mean, the kids are watching us. Yeah, and happiness is a choice and you can choose it or not to. And then the kids are like oh, so you spent 20 years miserable because of me. I didn't want that, I didn't choose that, you know yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean it's it's difficult right being married is difficult.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think you and I I've only been married 13 years. That's still a really fucking long time. It is the first time I got married. I was not good at it. I should have been better and was better the second time. So it's lasted longer, mainly because of me.
Speaker 1:Because you're taking credit.
Speaker 2:For how long? No, I mean I'm saying that like the first one, I wasn't good at it. But there was also the thing that you can't get past, which is like one person wants kids and one person doesn't.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's kind of those are fundamental. Yes, like values, yeah, you want. And I told Jeremy before we got married I was like, well, I want, he didn't want kids. Yeah, when we were like 22, 23, talking about initially, yeah, and I was like, well, I definitely want at least one kid, so don't marry me if you don't want at least one kid. Yeah. So he knew like this, yes, I is something I want. Yeah, he was like, well, I'm willing to. You know, we can try it.
Speaker 2:It doesn't work out, We'll send it back. Well, yeah, and I was. I knew I didn't want one, but I was also like well, maybe I don't know. And I was like what am I? No, like, yeah, that's not a good reason to have kids also.
Speaker 2:No if you have a desire to have kids like the only people who should be having kids are people who really, really want them, agreed, not people who are like, well, let's see how this goes. You know what are your thoughts on going to bed more nights earlier than my husband? Because I like to read in bed. I'm a reader of books in bed. Do that people? She reads, I know how to read guys Spoiler alert. She I know how to read it. I know how to read guys spoiler alert. She knows how to read, and I kind of actually also enjoy my little alone time with my book in bed. So I'm totally fine with it. I also enjoy my alone time getting up earlier and like making tea, and you know I'll bring tea into him, because we're both nerdy tea drinkers. Um, oh shit, I forgot to bring you the tea. That's fine, damn it. That's okay. I guess you have to come back, um, so I'm fine, I don't have. I think it's fine. If you don't, why? What do you think?
Speaker 2:I think it's been kind of pivotal yeah, you guys go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
Speaker 1:It's not like a deal breaker, we don't? There have been a handful of times when one of us stays up later. Yeah, but usually we go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time, Like if he gets up to go to the gym at 4.30, I get up with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then you often go back to bed.
Speaker 1:Yes, sometimes, if he gets up to go to the gym, I will quite often go back to sleep, especially in the winter when it's dark. Yeah, I'm not going to walk the dog in the dark. Yeah, it's just early, yeah, and I'm tired. But I get up with him and like it's turned into kind of like a ritual time, like we really enjoy. Well, I won't speak for him.
Speaker 2:I really enjoy it. He's all to just stay in bed, god I'd love some quiet a little bit, this bitch, yeah, but it's.
Speaker 1:I like that time in the kitchen when it's just the two of us and like the conscious collective is kind of quiet. Yeah, and we're, you know, I make his coffee, he gets his lunch together or whatever, and then I like kiss him goodbye and right, sometimes go back to bed I.
Speaker 2:I do think it's a different dynamic because you also have a kid in the house. Yeah, so ours is only just the two of us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but going to bed at the same time I think is really helpful for, like your sex life, I think it can be.
Speaker 2:But also there's Also you don't have kids in the house so you could have an afternoon delight anytime you want, yes, yes. Or we could go have sex and he's like I'm gonna go watch andor or fucking whatever you know, and I'm like, well, I'm gonna sit here and read my british murder mystery like thanks, thanks for the sex, enough situational. Yeah, I think it's. Yeah, I think it's sexuational, sexuational. You heard it here first. Yeah, it's a word, look it up, um, so yeah. No, I don't have strong feelings on that, but I can definitely see if you had another person in the house who could just be rolling in at any time. You know, yeah, I will say and I think you and I have talked about this and agree that the first year of marriage is the worst maybe worse.
Speaker 1:I mean our first year of marriage was really tough. Yeah, I think it's the hardest. For sure I don't know if it was our hardest. I think the first year after Parker was born was the hardest.
Speaker 2:See again, I don't have a but um, I don't have a gauge on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like the first year we got married, we got married in. So Jeremy started his job in Holt this was 2005. Yep, he started his job at Holt. Okay, that was super stressful for him at the time. Yeah, he started that in May or March. We got married in May, bought a house in July and were pregnant by October. So it was a big we did a really Ram it all in Big fucking year for us. Yeah and yeah, like it was just a lot.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to remember you weren't actively trying, but you weren't actively not trying.
Speaker 1:I had just gone off birth control because I was going to maybe try it.
Speaker 2:I feel like if you're not not trying, you're trying.
Speaker 1:I was trying. Yeah, I really wanted to be pregnant.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was, he was on purpose, right, parker, if you're listening, you weren't an accident. You remember he knows I, parker, if you're listening, you weren't an abstinent.
Speaker 1:You remember he knows I was there but not in the room he was very much intentional, yeah, but like that was also part of my like I was really immature at the time and like that was just a lot going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was like let's go, let's fucking go, yeah, all the things right now, and so that put a lot of probably stress on the marriage. Um, luckily, I think jeremy's really, he's really willing to like, he's super patient, which is really cool. That's good for you, that's good for me. Yeah, um, and our values really align. So we're very different, like we have different hobbies that we love. Yeah, um, he won't play pickleball with me. I suck at mountain.
Speaker 2:Are you still?
Speaker 1:playing pickleball Occasionally. I haven't been, we haven't been lately Okay.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I don't know. Okay, yeah, I think in some ways it's the hardest and in some ways it does take some of the not stress. But things that might have been a big deal or a bigger argument before are more like well, we're not going to get divorced over this. So if we're not going to actually get divorced over this, is it really worth arguing about?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, whereas before you're kind of like I can just, can just walk out, I'd leave, oh definitely makes it harder to walk out, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:Sure, that was. I felt really like when I was pregnant. I felt really vulnerable, yeah, and I was glad to be married because I knew it would be a lot harder for him to leave and I, I was a fucking nightmare.
Speaker 2:So I just remember you being like so cute and happy pregnant.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I was fucking miserable really. I I was. I was. I broke out like you put on such a great face. My face broke out. I was puff. I got preeclampsia so I was super puffy and miserable. They put me on bed rest. I was just miserable the whole time. Um, and now I know I'm pretty sure that it's because I was pumping my body full of folic acid. Oh, and I have that myth for gene variation. Yeah, it's it really hard for my body to methylate b vitamins full of folic acid and I have that Mithra gene variation. It makes it really hard for my body to methylate B vitamins, and so folic acid actually is like toxic to me. So I'm supposed to like avoid breads and things that are fortified with folic acid because my body doesn't know what to do with it. I can't detoxify it very well. Interesting. So I think pumping my body full of folic acid, while great for the baby, was not good for me. Did you tell him that all the?
Speaker 2:time. You're welcome, parker. You're welcome. Here's what I did for you. I sacrificed so much. Well, going back to like, circling back to that idea of deals and that every marriage looks different, I think is so important to not have a homogenized view of what it should look like or is supposed to look like, because you and I have some things in our marriages that I think are very different than a lot of people, like your financial deal.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, we have separate finances, yeah, which we didn't start out that way.
Speaker 2:No, I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's been a lot. I will say that, like finances, that's one of the things people end up fighting a lot about, right? Yeah, absolutely, and it has been good for our marriage to have separate finances because there's just like if he.
Speaker 2:So how does that work for the people who who like break it down, for people who aren't me?
Speaker 1:Like how we, how it works, yeah, yeah. So we just split the, we split the bills and the responsibilities and we each pay for our like. We have a joint checking account, right, and. But so you put in like your half of the mortgage or whatever. Each I'm like I'm responsible. He's responsible for the property taxes, ok, and like one of the phone bills, okay, and then I'm responsible for you know, the water, the groceries, okay. So it's just like divide and conquer. We divided the financial responsibilities, but so in an equitable way. Yeah, so he pays what he needs to pay.
Speaker 1:I pay what areas? Sure, sure, like for I would usually pay for Parker's medical co-pays and any kind of like anything the insurance didn't cover when he, like when he broke his collarbone or you know, shit happens, yeah, and he always paid for Parker's mountain bike stuff and like sports things, okay. And so we figure it pretty much works out in the wash, yeah, yeah. So that's how we did it and it's it's been a lot easier because, then, because we just have very different spending habits.
Speaker 1:Like, jeremy doesn't like credit cards, right, and I like credit cards a lot, yeah, I use my credit card for you make it work for you. I pay it off every month and I use the points and I really like that, yeah, and he doesn't like to do that, so he's very much more like the cash guy, yeah, and so we don't have to argue about that now, because we're both taking care of our parts of the responsibility. Yeah, but still taking, we still like, and it's it's. It means a lot more to go out to dinner with somebody when it's not your money they're paying for, like oh, you're like if he takes you to dinner, if he takes me to dinner and he pays, it's like oh, thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's so funny. As opposed to like, well, that's my money too, see, and Hammer and I joke about that. We'll go out to dinner and we have the same card that goes to the same bank account, but I will make a big show of it. I'm like, no, no, let me, I'll get this one, honey. You know it's all coming out of the same spot, but I've always thought that was so interesting and I feel like I know couples that that would work so well for them, but it's not something that they would ever think of, or they would think it was weird, or and meant that they weren't.
Speaker 1:Well, it's not traditional, but part of that's because of the patriarchy, because for a long time, women weren't even allowed to have checking accounts or credit cards or any of this. Yeah, yeah, without their permission. Maybe we're headed again, I don't know, god damn. Yeah, like the independent, that is not traditional. Yeah, and I will say when we because we had been financially enmeshed for so long yeah, when did decide to separate it out, which we did because we recognized that our spending habits were very different, yeah, and we had different ways we wanted to manage our money. Yeah, and it was just. It was just really like well, why are we trying to? Why do we keep banging our head against the same particular wall when we could just have separate finances? And Jeremy was way more into the idea than I was, oh, because he was way more stressed about it than I was. I totally thought this was your idea. No, interesting.
Speaker 1:No, it was his idea and he was way more into it than I was. Okay Because he felt mainly because of the way I manage money stressed him out really, really badly. Sure, and, yes, I was not great. So it did feel like a little bit of a divorce, like separating the finances after having them enmeshed felt like a divorce in the moment and I was really emotional about it, really Very, very, very emotional.
Speaker 2:Oh God, In my head I had this whole story, that this was your idea.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't my idea. Okay, I was actually not even on board.
Speaker 1:Because I associate being your idea. But then also, once our finances were separated because he's never really been a big fan of me having my own business he's a very much like clock in, clock out kind of guy. Right, work for eight hours, get paid for eight hours yeah, like that's a very straight line that he can draw and he likes that. And I'm really entrepreneurial and I am a terrible employee yeah, I'm unemployed, same, and so, like, for my mental health, I kind of need to work for myself, yeah. And so when we separated the finances, I said like verbatim okay, fine, we'll do this, we'll separate the finances, but as a result, you don't get a say in what I do. Yeah, you don't get to chime in and say I really wish you had a nine to five. That would be steady and predictable.
Speaker 2:Because as long as I pay my bills, as long as I pay my bills.
Speaker 1:As long as I pay my bills, what the fuck do you care? Yeah, and so that has removed. That's been better, because now I I have the and like freedom is one of my core values. I like, if I start to feel penned in, yeah, I don't like I freak out. Yeah, and so having the freedom to make my own decisions was a lot was really good for me, just as a person. Yeah, so I didn't like it's nice. It's nice to feel independent and not to have to like double check with somebody when you make a financial decision. Like I've made some terrible financial decisions in the last few years, Sure, but they're on me. Like, yeah, I don't have somebody also badgering me about my financial decisions at home.
Speaker 2:Right, right. Yeah, I have that same thing. I don't. I was even like for years I did not want to buy a house, yeah, which I know is stupid financially but I was like, oh my gosh, it just means I'm tied to this place and I can't like, oh, really, pick up and go if I want. Yeah, oh, how funny, yeah.
Speaker 1:See, that's. I'm the opposite, because Jeremy and I moved around so much growing up, we both couldn't wait to just buy a house and never move again.
Speaker 2:Oh see, I moved all the time but was like fine with it, I didn't want to be. And then Hammer was like well, you know, if you want to move, you could just like rent it out, and you know, your trap door Christmas. Yeah, I was like, oh, which sounds so stupid, right Like. But in my mind I was like no, once you buy a house, you're settled and that's just where you're like they put your feet in cement right there. You can't go anywhere.
Speaker 1:I'm so stagnant and over it you start growing moss.
Speaker 2:Yeah, god forbid, I know. Yeah, I always thought that that was so smart of you guys and I've been giving you credit, but now I'll give Jeremy credit, but I still think it's smart that you agreed to it.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm glad that we did because it removed a big stressor that we don't like have to have, like a lot of the little nitpicky discussions that you have to have about money. Yeah, I will say I pay for most of the groceries and for a few years there it was like I felt a little bit of resentment because I'm not going to come to him every week and be like I spent this much on groceries. I'm just not that conscientious. Of course, I don't even know how much I spent on groceries sometimes. Right, I'm not keeping track of it, yeah. But I know I was spending a ton of money, yeah, and I wouldn't come to him and be like I need this much money because I spent this much. But one of the reasons I pay for the groceries and he doesn't is because I want if I want to go make Thai food, I don't want to get a bunch of shit about the 45 different sauces I had to buy, yeah, so I also don't want to get shit about.
Speaker 2:If I'm only buying grass fed, it's because I will only eat grass fed. Yeah, yeah, exactly, which I know. I know there's a lot of privilege in that.
Speaker 1:I recognize it, yeah, totally recognizing the privilege. But I also like didn't want to argue about the food that I wanted to buy, so I was willing to kind of take one on the chin a little bit financially. So it wasn't completely, maybe even in that respect. But now that his job is a little more flexible he can stop by the grocery store and grab stuff more often. So it's a lot more even now than it used to be. So I think it's great. And I have friends who kept separate finances and they just have a joint checking that they commit. They commit money to together, so like they never enmeshed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there seems to work for them too, mom over. So we had this correct amount of hamburger meat and then I was going to the store and he said, can you get more? You know, 80% ground chuck. And I was like, great, I'll be getting grass fed. And he was like, no, don't get grass fed, like I don't want to mix it, just get the kind that I have. And I was like, no, I'm not going to do that, I'm just going to buy grass fed. And he's like the kind I got, it's humanely raised, it's organic, it's just not grass-fed.
Speaker 2:And I was like, really feeling uppity about it. And he was like, if it was your dish and you were making it and you just wanted me to buy an ingredient, you would just want me to get what you wanted to get. And I was like he's right. I hate it when he's right. But so I had to release that one, which I know it sounds so stupid. But I was like I don't ever buy that. Yeah, I mean you get in. Yeah, yeah, well, and I know hammer and I have, um, a deal that blows people's minds, which I've told you about our titty money yeah, I, this blows my mind yeah, it blows your minds, it blows a lot of people's mind.
Speaker 2:So for his job he is in software and he will be with a bunch of other software tech bros and they'll be at conventions. And sometimes people want to go to strip clubs and I just could not give a shit less if he goes to strip clubs. This is also where we diverge. I know Two paths diverge.
Speaker 2:I know I don't care, I don't care, but I do make it work for me also, in that our deal is, however much he spends at said strip club, I get to spend the exact equal amount on something completely frivolous that I want, that has nothing to do with him or our household or anything. Titty money, titty money, yeah, spend as much as you want on titties because I want these boots, you know not boobs boots, titty boots, yeah, yeah. Or I want to. You know, go out with my girlfriends and like do this thing, that has nothing to do with you. So I, I just don't care, I'm like great, have a great time, I will be spending all the titty money and that is our deal that is part of your contract Right, which some people are like oh my God, that's so great.
Speaker 2:Some people are like you're actually certifiably insane. No, I love the way you've made it work for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I. Just the thought of Jeremy going to a strip club makes me want to murder somebody, like I'm so possessive. I know it's not good, I don't know how he's survived all these years, but I think it's also a good sign, because if I didn't care at all, yeah, Like, Like.
Speaker 2:What do you think's going to happen? Doesn't matter, it kind of does Like what.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't want half-naked chicks rubbing up on my man, for sure I don't even really like. Why do you need to look at a bunch of naked boobies Like, come look at mine. I'm kind of like.
Speaker 2:I don't care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home. Yeah, see, this is just where we differ. Yeah, yeah, I'm like naked chicks can be hot. I can see you want to look at them. I want to look at them. Sometimes I don't. It's fine, go look Like yeah, but again this is why every marriage is different, right and everyone has their deals.
Speaker 1:I have friends who you know are swingers. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's Same. I don't mean I am, I mean I have friends that are. And that is totally fine if that works for them and that makes them happy and everybody's consenting Right. I think that's one where you have to have the most deals. You have to have the clearest parameters. Yeah, yeah, you'd have to like draw like picture one of those murder boards with red string and pins, like, if this, then this, if this, if this is okay, this is. You'd have to have the most deals on that one.
Speaker 1:So a lot of it kind of comes down to communication. Yes, right, yeah, and being able to at least negotiate to the same page yeah, and being able to at least negotiate to the same page, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I know people who at times in their marriages have been polyamorous and then they're like, oh, that was fun for a while. Now we're kind of over it, you know, yeah, I have friends that tried to have.
Speaker 1:Like, the wife wanted to have an open marriage and the husband didn't Ooh, that would be a hard one, and they ended up divorcing. Yeah, I think she was just over it. No-transcript.
Speaker 2:I'm kidding, oh sorry, birdie's offended, birdie's offended by that. Birdie she's like don't you dare? Would I ever get married again? Um, I kind of don't know why I would feel the need to Same. I mean, I didn't even really feel the need to be married with Hammer. He was more about being married than me.
Speaker 1:Well, there are a lot of people that believe that it's an antiquated institution. Yeah, that it's patriarchal. And you know, we change our last name. We lose our last name as female. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do think it's different if kids are involved yeah, it definitely makes it easier logistically to have the same last name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I remember there were times when mom was married to someone else and we would have a different last name and I was always kind of like annoying, like who goes with who? Right, I can't say yes, I definitely would, because I don't know why I would feel the need to, but I also can't say like no, I never would, because who knows what the circumstances would be, you know, I think it's a very romantic idea if things go really shitty in this country and a hammer dies and it's my like, I can get some scissors.
Speaker 1:Marry a Canadian, yes, or maybe a Spanish.
Speaker 2:Any people of the UK or Canadians or Western Europe who are looking for a mail-order American bride?
Speaker 1:Yeah, apply, here you have to send referrals too.
Speaker 2:Um, but I wouldn't, yeah, I guess I just can't. Part of me wouldn't see the point, unless it was for something like that.
Speaker 1:Jeremy and I talked about it and like I I don't even know if I'd want to like it'd be difficult to live with somebody, like after Jeremy and I've been living together essentially, yeah, since 2002, yeah, so how?
Speaker 2:they're 23 years, yeah, like.
Speaker 1:I'm very we're very used to each other's quirks, like it used to drive me fucking crazy when he'd leave the dresser drawers. Oh boy, he leaves me crazy when I'm at your house. Oh, I know, I know. Last time you came over you shut all of those which I did for years. I couldn't help it. I know that was hilarious. You walked straight into my bedroom and you shut all the dresser drawers and it's it's. Jeremy's dresser drawer was a different variation of open. Yeah, it looked like the most fucked up advent calendar.
Speaker 1:He'd ever seen and he's always done that and it's always driven me fucking crazy. But then one time I talked to your mom about it, I was like just bitching about it and she was like, oh honey, he doesn't even see it. Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't see it, it doesn't bother him. And I guarantee you you do stuff that drives him crazy that you don't see?
Speaker 2:Oh, you know what I do. I think I'm as bad as Jeremy when I'm cooking and this has been pointed out to me a couple times recently by multiple people that I have lived with both my husband and other roommates. If I need something out of, say, the pantry, I open the door to the pantry, I go do the thing and I just leave it open because I know I'm going to get back in there when I'm done in the pantry I'll shut it, but if I know I'm going to be getting other things out of it, even if it's 45 minutes later, I just leave it open. That's very efficient. Except my husband will come home and he's like every fucking pantry door is open. What is happening? And I was like well, I was still using it. It's like I've been home for half an hour and you haven't gone over there once. It's like yes, but I know in 10 more minutes I'm going to need some Maldon salt.
Speaker 1:Yes, so we all have these weird quirky things that we do, that drive are going to drive our partner crazy. But, like I'm so used to it now, you'll notice, the drawers were still open when you got home and you were just like, eh yeah, I just I don't see it most of the time now and if I do notice it I'm like, well, it's just going to be like that in five minutes if I close them. So what's the point? Like that's the face of my energy. Yeah, and honestly, who cares? Yeah, like is it really that important? Yeah, so it doesn't drive me crazy anymore. I notice, if anything, it laugh now because it's like why, why, why three inches for that drawer? Why is that drawer three inches open and the other one six inches open and the other one's closed?
Speaker 2:I will say which is so weird. No, I don't know if I would get married again, but I would find living with another human pretty difficult.
Speaker 1:That's where I was going with this. Yeah, because I like I'm so used to the way that he operates, like sometimes you, you can almost parallel play after a while with your partner, like we don't have to be talking. Yeah, we can just sort of like, like you, almost you know what he's reaching for in the cabinet, so you just hand it to him or whatever.
Speaker 2:And yeah, and I have had roommates that I could live with again, who were great and who I loved, but I'm also. I so treasure and relish my alone time, and maybe part of that is because I'm married and it doesn't happen as much I know.
Speaker 1:You've actually told me I couldn't come over because you were having your alone time. Yeah, you're like. No, you got to come the next night because I'm still out of town, I'm still having my alone time. That happens, yeah, it happens all the time. I'm eating mushrooms all by myself. So for those who don't know, hammer hates mushrooms yeah, not, yeah, I'm not just like getting high on mushrooms by myself.
Speaker 2:No, whenever he goes out of town. Do you want to hang out? I'm like no, no, no, I'll hang out when hammer's in town. When hammer's out of town, it's just me and birdie I get that, although I don't sleep good when he's gone um I didn't used to, uh, but well, you and I both have a taser. We also both don't mouth tape when yes, we also both don't mouth tape when yes, we also both don't mouth tape when he's gone. We also got an alarm, oh nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I will mouth tape if Parker's home. Like I'm fine if Parker's home.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would be fine if there's another and I even sometimes do it if someone is staying. Like if you were staying here in the cottage, I would probably do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's just someone else on the property, except you wouldn't invite me over because Hammer would be gone and you'd be having your alone time. So I would never be here when Hammer was gone.
Speaker 2:I might let you, after he was gone a couple days.
Speaker 1:Thank you, I'm so special, lucky me.
Speaker 2:Well, he used to travel a lot more in which case I absolutely wouldn't but he's been traveling less, yeah.
Speaker 1:Ever since.
Speaker 2:COVID, it's less yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it would be really tough at my age, Like and I think I'm getting more set in my ways. Yeah, Like when we went so for our 20th anniversary. Yes, you know you just got back from a fabulous trip. We have not gone on an actual trip together for longer than like a couple of days. Yeah, since Parker was born. Yeah, since our honeymoon. That was like the last big trip we went on.
Speaker 2:Where'd guys go on your honeymoon again, cabo? Oh, that's right we'd snorkeled that's right scuba dived.
Speaker 1:Actually, I don't think we snorkeled, we scuba dived. We did the baja racing, we did all you didn't snorkel, but you did scuba.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that seems like that's backwards. We're just you're. You're such a rebel, we're just hard like that, yeah, I always tell you great.
Speaker 1:Um well, it's mexico. They let you scream, they don't give a fuck.
Speaker 2:You lose this, so you gotta make down there while you put this in your mouth and head on down, get it while it getting good, yeah, yeah you can snorkel in hawaii or anywhere.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's true. Yeah, so we planned this trip. Jeremy was like, well, let's, what do you think about driving up, down up to oregon, where we stopped our last trip in seaside, yeah, and seeing the rest of the southern oregon coast like the rest of the coast, and so we took a full week off and we went from like Friday to Friday and we did this whole big ass Oregon trip together. Where was I going with this?
Speaker 2:You hadn't done this since Parker was little. You decided to take this trip. It was your anniversary, yeah, but I had a point and I totally lost it. The point was it's hard to live with people. We're going to land the plane. Hard to live with people, sometimes hard to even like exist with people. Hammer doesn't travel so much. I'm going to figure it out being alone.
Speaker 1:Oh, stuck in our ways. Yes, nailed it. Okay, thank you. So stuck in our ways. So, even on the trip, like we were staying in, we didn't camp, we were staying in really nice hotels every night, yeah, but I found myself like one night the blanket was kind of scratchy, it had like a texture Okay and I was like every time I, oh my God, my dog just farted.
Speaker 2:Just so you know that was not me. I would assume Dog farts do smell different. Just saying yeah, they are Okay.
Speaker 1:But like little things that maybe wouldn't have used to bother me. I'm now like oh, the texture on that blanket kept me up all night because I'd like roll over and it would like Ooshie bitch it would. I know, I know, but it's not even like I don't care how expensive the blanket is. But why would you put that texture on a blanket? Okay, Was it like a waffle? It was like a lined situation. It was like a raised, Like ribbed, Ribbed. It was ribbed For your pleasure, Not for no pleasure. It was not ribbed for my pleasure, it was. Maybe somebody else enjoyed it. Okay, but it like every time. Did he notice? Did he notice? No, he asked me in the night or he asked me if I slept. Okay, you know, we always like at the age where we have to ask no.
Speaker 2:I'll just put you to sleep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no absolutely First thing we say every morning, yeah, and so I was like oh terrible, this blanket was just ribby all night long.
Speaker 2:So ribby Was he just like you were insane.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was laughing because he's like, oh my fucking God, but also he has to have the fan on when we sleep.
Speaker 2:Oh, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Speaker 1:I'm okay with it on like low. This was the same night that I slept with the ribbed blanket. Okay, this was Abandoned Dunes, oh, okay. So we played golf at Abandoned Dunes, yeah, and I stayed there one night, yeah, and the ceiling fan was on it way high like vaulting ceiling okay, and that probably couldn't figure out it was on high.
Speaker 1:Oh that would. That's a deal like spinning on high, yeah, and we couldn't figure out how to turn it down or off or anything. There was no remotes, like it was beyond me, and I was gonna go down to the the front desk and ask. But he was like I'm actually kind of enjoying it, can we just leave it on? And it's our anniversary. So I'm like everybody. All right, I'll suffer through. I didn't like when it's glowy. Every time the ribbed blanket woke me up, my hair was blowing in my face. It was the worst. So I'm getting really particular in my old age. And all this is just to say having someone else come in my space. Do I need to buy you compression socks?
Speaker 2:I might need a weighted blanket blanket like a weighted cooling blanket. No, I'm not a weighted blanket.
Speaker 1:It's not cooling um. Parker sleeps with a weighted blanket.
Speaker 2:I bought one for me and he stole it I got one um and then I, not long after, got a pit bull, and it turns out they provide the exact same experience.
Speaker 1:I feel that she's laying on my leg right now. Yeah, it's not nothing.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and when she and I are, you know, on the couch in like the chaise position, she is in the leg basket and I have a 65-pound weighted blanket that works really well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, pets are another thing, another source of contention sometimes in marriage. Like Moo, our dog, parker wanted the dog. Yeah, and of course I wanted a dog too, because I love dogs. Sure, but Jeremy really didn't want a dog. Is he a cat person? No, cats love him, I will say. But he doesn't love them back he, they're fine, but he doesn't like litter boxes and I don't like litter boxes either but he's fine with cats, but he he's not like.
Speaker 2:He loves moo and moo loves him more than anybody, I think, in the house that's always the way, that it's always the people that are like kind of insouciant to the animals that they're just like. Are you, my dad?
Speaker 1:love me, love me, yeah, and I mean I've told you. He says, you know, he calls her a little monster or whatever. And yeah, he says, you know, when she's gone, no more dogs they're put, they're cramping our style or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I am like, oh god, I don't know, let's not talk about that yeah but also I have so many pictures of him cuddling her and like snuggling her, I could make a calendar. Oh, yeah, oh, you should make a calendar for his birthday One of these days. I'm going to make a calendar of them spooning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just for his birthday, A 12-month calendar. I'm sure he'd love it. Yeah, well, our last dog was a giant English Mastiff who wouldn't fit on the bed with us, my app, wouldn't fit on the bed with us, my app. So when we you know, we were looking at adopting another dog, hammer was like no dogs on the bed, the dog is not sleeping on the bed. And I was like yes, it most certainly is. And he was like no, it's not.
Speaker 2:And I was like, all right, the first night we brought Birdie home, she was like going into her crate and she was like, okay, but like he was like she does look really snuggly. And I was like, well, you can bring her up if you want. And this dog slept on the bed every single night and I tell her all the time. I'm like, well, the three of us will be in bed together. And I'm like bird pretty, remember when he said no dogs in the bed ever. Do you remember that? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was kind of wrong about that one, yeah yeah, we can't.
Speaker 1:Moo can't sleep with us.
Speaker 2:She's snoring down your mouth, taper I'm sure no, that's no um, the the thing that hammer did that used to drive me the craziest. I think he wears contacts and at night he would like just take that, like he wouldn't brush his teeth and wash his face and take the contacts out. He would brush his teeth, watch his face. He would get into bed, take the contacts out and just like drop them next to the bed on the floor. Sometimes they would hit the floor, sometimes they would hit the nightstand, but you know that then they become like little shards of glass yeah, when they dry out they're hard Glass, yeah, and it used to make me insane.
Speaker 2:And he just he would drop them behind the nightstand or behind the headboard and I'd be dusting and find just this pile of glass shards and I was like you have to be kidding me. What? What is this? Were you raised by wolves? He's like I don't understand bed I don't want to like get out to. So if you go into our bedroom on his nightstand you will see a little cup. Oh, I had to put a cup there. That is his contact receptacle cup.
Speaker 1:So it's an empty cup that he fills with contacts. So it's a bunch of dried contacts. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That is fascinating, isn't it so weird? People come over and I can tell he gets kind of embarrassed when people come over. People are like what is that? I'm like, oh, that's his contact cup. Cup, it's a cup of contact lenses, cold contacts. Yeah, that's funny, but he just would not. Once he was, like, settled in bed, you know, he was done looking at his phone which he wanted the contacts for. He doesn't wear glasses. He does, but you like, during the day he usually would wear contacts and he wouldn't. Then you know, mr Rogers style, get home and take his contacts out and put his glasses on.
Speaker 1:No, but I wear contacts and I take them out when I brush my teeth, like in the evening, or like at some point in the evening. I just feel like I need to take my contacts out because I've been in all day and then I wear my glasses to read and do other things. Yeah, if I'm watching TV in the evening, I'm wearing my glasses usually.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's not how he rolls.
Speaker 1:No, I mean on days that he wears his glasses he just wears his glasses all day and doesn't fuck with the contacts. But I mean, I say I say that I wouldn't get married again. And Jeremy, I've talked, we've talked about this, we joke about this all the time Like what was you? How would you even date? How would you find people? Like we're such homebodies and like would you? How would you find somebody? If something happened to me, would you date again? Would you get married again or whatever?
Speaker 2:I could see you finding someone. I can't really see him finding someone and that's not a slam on Jeremy, because you know I love Jeremy. I just can't see him wanting to like put himself out there.
Speaker 1:I think he he's very like social when it comes to sports and stuff, though. Oh, there is that and. But so he he just finds some nice lesbian friends. No, we have he. Somebody would introduce him to somebody we have a pretty we have like a pretty wide friend group and that's like pretty diverse yeah, and somebody would introduce he would not be single for long and I don't.
Speaker 2:And this is not a slam on you it would be really hard for me to set you up with someone. Well, I'm obsessed with Jeremy so I know it would be really hard to. I know, yeah, you're always like are people hot? I don't know if people are hot. Jeremy's the only person I think is hot, and I'm just like you're so weird.
Speaker 1:I know it's weird. As soon as I decided that Jeremy was for me, everybody else ceased to be attractive at all. I don't get like, yeah, god love you, that's a good thing, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's a great thing. That's why you would be really hard for me to find.
Speaker 1:Well, let's just hope we don't ever have to deal with that.
Speaker 2:Well, if, once they go, we're just going to move in together. You want to be part of the Golden Girls compound? How many people are in this? Five want to be part of the golden girls compound.
Speaker 1:Uh, how many people are?
Speaker 2:in this five? No, that's too many. You get your own tiny house all of nearby. Okay, how big is this property? I mean, I also already have people I'm planning on being on a compound with. Oh well, then I don't need you on my compound no, I said I'll be on my compound.
Speaker 1:Well, that's what I'm saying. You can be on. Well then, I don't need you on my compound.
Speaker 2:No, I said I'll be on my compound. Well, that's what I'm saying. You can be on my compound, but I don't know if I want everyone else.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's fine, that's fair. Yeah, I don't know how many acres, but I do have a dream someday like to have a big piece of property that I have like a bunch of tiny houses on that. We're not within visible, visible distance of one another.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, no, I like that. I don't know how tiny I want my house to be I don't either, but Like this size would be fine, for just me and 30.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what are we in 1,000 square feet? Oh God no.
Speaker 2:No 600?
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:God, this is like 650. I'm so bad at measuring. 1,500?, 200? I think this little cottage is like 650. Okay, yeah, this is great for one person and one dog.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it would depend on the layout of the house. Yes, and also, like I wouldn't, I don't know. The allure of like big, spacious houses is increasingly becoming less attractive. Oh, I don't have that.
Speaker 2:I don't need a big house at all. Like our house that Hammer and I live in is less than 1,200 square't. Have that, I don't need it. I don't need a big house at all. Like like our house is our house that Hammer and I live in is less than 1200 square feet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that would be probably the max I would want to go. It's fine. Yeah, I wouldn't want any more space. Yeah, but I would like maybe some outbuildings. Like I'd like to have my office not attached to my house. I'd love to be able to like go to into an office that was separate from the house.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have that, which is, yeah, you love your studio, which is beautiful, yeah, well, and also necessary, since hammer and I both work from home. Yeah, if we both worked from home in the same house, which we have, it gets tight. Well, yeah, you know, luckily I'm on that end of the property and he's at the other end.
Speaker 1:Well, especially down the road, like Jeremy, when he retires.
Speaker 2:I'm so excited for him to have his like man. What's it called His shop Shop? We'll see the county. I'm all excited for him to have his like man. What's it called His shop Shop?
Speaker 1:We'll see the county, his studio, the studio. The county is still giving us a hard time about that, so we're still working on that. But what if you just did it without them knowing? I know? Right, yeah, I know we've talked about this. It's too complicated to get into right now.
Speaker 2:All right, right, but also, I'm sure so many people in the county of what's your county? Placer Placer, are listening.
Speaker 1:No, I mean I would, I would outlaw it. I don't think our neighbors would care, but my dad would. He would flip out like he wants to do it by the book and he's also mad at the county now. So we're kind of fighting with them. He's going to bite his nose to spite his face. Yeah, a little bit he's. Yeah, he's talking about trent, I don't know it's. This is not. We're so far off topic, we are. We're marriage. No, it's back to magic. Yeah, so all this is just to say like yeah, I think there's lots of different ways to do it. Yeah, and I I think personally that, like identifying deal breakers right off the bat is important and you kind of know what you have to fight about and what you don't have to fight about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm trying to think what my other deal breakers would be. If you're a bad tipper or you're rude to wait staff, no, that's a deal breaker for sure.
Speaker 1:I don't think you would get far enough with somebody to get married to them. That's true.
Speaker 2:But if he all of a sudden became a bad temper, I would look for a tumor. I'd be like you have one of those brain worms.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, see, so that's health related. Yeah, what do you do if somebody get? Like I would? Yeah, and Jeremy's like he's so steady and faithful that if he ever did cheat on me I'd be like you have a brain tumor, let's go to the doctor. Something is wrong with you. It's not me, it's you, it's you. He's just not that guy. I've always been like unreasonably afraid of him cheating on me for some reason, yes, very unreasonably, I would say.
Speaker 1:I blame my parents for that trauma. Yeah, yeah, sure, I. Yes, for some reason, very unreasonably, I would say, I blame my parents for that. Yeah, yeah, I found out too much at too young an age. Yeah, no, that's true. And so I blame them for my anxious attachment disorders. Yeah, but your mom would always be like Jeremy's not built like that, that's not how he's built. Yeah, and so I just I hear your mom in my head whenever I start to spin out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not built like that. Yeah, and I and I should be able to embody that thought, because I'm not built like that. Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't, I wouldn't, it just wouldn't happen.
Speaker 2:No, I would take you to the doctor too. I'd be like I hope so. Yeah, I would be like wait, you have a roving eye. Yeah, how many fingers am I holding up? Follow my finger.
Speaker 1:You could just assume that I had a giant tumor in my brain. Yeah, sure, if my behavior was that erratic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so, yeah. So at that point I mean yeah, yeah. Although if he was all of a sudden like no more dogs sleeping in the bed, I'd be like, well, bertie and I are going to miss you. Well, bertie and I are going to miss you you wouldn't assume he had a brain tumor. Yeah, I would assume he had a brain tumor.
Speaker 1:But if he didn't Straight to the doctor?
Speaker 2:But if he didn't and it was just this Then he's gone. Yeah, well, we could still be married, but he would have to move, he would have to leave, he would have to move the marital bed. You're out of here. Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1:You're sleeping in your office, bro, yeah well, that's all I have to say about marriage um, I don't think I have anything else to say either.
Speaker 2:Good job, I feel like we're both doing okay at this marriage thing. Yeah, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm more proud of you because you're seven years ahead of me 20 years.
Speaker 1:20 years is long time. It's kind of like it blows my mind when I think about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, does it make you feel old or just like proud of yourself A little bit old?
Speaker 1:Because I'm like oh damn, 20 years, yeah, I've been with him longer. I'm 45 and we've been together 23 years.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you've been with him longer than you have been without him.
Speaker 1:yeah, so that's kind of weird to think about like yeah, um, but yeah, it's huh well, good job.
Speaker 2:Happy anniversary I didn't get you anything that's. I'm not a gifts.
Speaker 1:I know love language is not gifts, so that I'll make you dinner tonight.
Speaker 2:Ooh, do you respond to food? Yeah, sorry, jeremy, you're not here, but he doesn't care that much about food anyways. No, he doesn't, all right well all right.
Speaker 1:Well, um, you know where to find us.
Speaker 2:Yes, check the show notes, and soon we will know where to find us too.
