Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt where cousins Christmas and Cara tick off the wild, sometimes ridiculous wishes from the bucket list of the late, great Bonnie—Christmas's mom and Cara's bonus mom. Every episode, we unpack grief and life’s absurdities through belly laughs, bizarre encounters, and the kind of soul-searching that only happens when you're half a bottle deep into questionable wine, munching on crackers and what-the-hell-is-this cheese. It's not just about where we go, but the oddballs we meet, the unbelievable stories we gather, and the existential crises we tackle together. Strap in and hold on —Bonnie's list isn’t going to complete itself, and things are about to get hilariously out of hand!
Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
Death Doulas and The Right to Die
This episode explores the complexities of end-of-life choices, focusing on Bonnie's journey with terminal illness and her decision to pursue a dignified death. We explore the emotional terrain around the right to die, the role of doulas, and the importance of open conversations about death.
• Sharing the journey of a mother diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis
• Discussing the implications of California's End of Life Option Act
• Exploring the importance of death doulas for families
• Highlighting the need for open conversations on end-of-life preferences
• Reflecting on the significance of personalized arrangements for a peaceful goodbye
• Emphasizing the blend of humor and grief throughout the process
• Encouraging advocacy for the right to die with dignity
If you want to learn more about End of Life Choices California, visit www.endoflifechoicesca.org.
Welcome to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt
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Cara: @cara.steinmann
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Welcome back to Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt.
Speaker 2:I'm Christmas and I'm Kara, and today we are going to talk about death, doulas and end-of-life choices, and part of what started us on this Dead Mom Scavenger Hunt journey that we're on is that our mom was diagnosed with MS and over many years her disease got worse and worse and worse and she decided that she wanted to tap out and did not want to end up completely vegetative in terms of her body, I guess not vegetative, but completely basically paralyzed from the neck down. Yeah, basically paralyzed from the neck down.
Speaker 1:Yeah For those of you, for anyone listening, who has been lucky enough not to have MS touch their life. Yes, it eventually does, in some cases, progress. Yeah, to the point where your throat muscles you can't swallow you can't move it. It doesn't it like destroy the myelin sheath yes, your nerves? It destroys the myelin sheath of your nerves, or?
Speaker 2:something like that. It destroys the myelin sheath of your nerves and it kind of usually starts where your legs don't work and then your hands don't work and you can't feed yourself and you can't go to the bathroom by yourself and it's a really, really shitty way to die. And can I just say a resounding fuck MS. Yeah, I second that. But one of the good parts about MS and also really shitty parts about MS at the end is that your brain is perfect. Yeah, your mind is all there, so you are completely aware. And when you can't talk anymore, you're completely aware, completely aware, um, and when you can't talk anymore, you're completely aware. And, as I said, it's it's one of the probably the worst diseases to die from.
Speaker 1:So it's one of those classes of diseases that you can in california. In california there are well, let me back up there's lots of diseases that are awful, like um. Lu Gehrig's disease is terrible.
Speaker 2:Parkinson's. Parkinson's Like cancer certain cancers.
Speaker 1:When you are terminal in the state of California, you can make the choice to die with dignity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's called the end of life option is the law that's on the books.
Speaker 1:And a lot of people know this, from it being an option in Oregon and Washington, I believe. But a lot of people know this, from it being an option in Oregon and Washington, I believe.
Speaker 2:They started it yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we followed suit, as California often does, yes, and everyone probably first heard about it, probably like Dr Kevorkian. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Which was compassionate release. Basically yes, and it is a completely different it sounds dark.
Speaker 1:It does sound dark, but when you're facing these, when you know that you're going to die and it's going to be really ugly, you might want to tap out on your own terms.
Speaker 2:Yes, and when we think about, you know, other beings that we love, like our beloved family pets, pets we don't want them to suffer. Yet in some states, when it's apparent you are forced to watch them suffer yeah, which I think I can speak for cara, when I we both think that's a tragedy and a travesty and that people should have control over that and choices of what they want to do and have it be peaceful, without having to resort to something like a gun or a non-medical overdose or something that's really extreme and that you don't have resources that you have, like we have here in California with the right to die option.
Speaker 1:Or in my father-in-law's case, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He had liver cancer and he wanted to. He basically ended up having to starve himself to death, to die, because he was in. He was bed bound in a VA hospital and he didn't go through the steps. There are many steps you have to go through.
Speaker 1:You have to kind of like you can't just one day decide you want to die with dignity. No, there are steps and it helps to have advocacy. And he did not. He ended up having a stroke before he put all the puzzle pieces in place to die with dignity. So after you've had a stroke or or I think there are several other like inciting incidents, that kind of like disqualify you. It's not the stroke.
Speaker 2:That disqualifies you. But there are certain caveats, like you have to be able to physically drink the it's it's like a drink. You have to be able to physically drink it yourself. You don't have to hold it.
Speaker 1:You don't have to hold it.
Speaker 2:You can drink through it. You have to be able to swallow yeah, and you have to be able to say like this is what I want and yeah and disclaimer.
Speaker 1:I feel like we need to say we are not doctors, we are not.
Speaker 2:No, we are not promoting anybody killed themselves. No, we're just saying this was a situation we found ourselves in when bonnie knew that the end was coming and she could see her deterioration was inevitable, and when, and she made the decision to choose when she, how and how and when it happened and, as Kara said, this is merely just to share our experience and the steps we went through, what it was like for us, resources that we found it is it's a taboo subject.
Speaker 1:It is. It's. A lot of people are uncomfortable with it, which, honestly, kind of makes me want to talk about it more, of course, but it is, and it's something that we experienced first, very firsthand, and I do. I do want to talk about this also because it was beautiful, absolutely, end of the day. At the end of the day, the way that she died was a lot more peaceful than it would have been absolutely not only that, because we knew already. No, I'm just, my nose is running, I'm not crying me neither, carrie.
Speaker 2:You know I'm a sympathetic crier. It's if I think you're crying. I'm gonna cry because we knew it was coming. We had the luxury of being able to have all these amazing conversations, like we spent ask those questions.
Speaker 1:We spent a lot of time just sitting in her room at the quote bar. Yeah, because she couldn't go to the bar anymore or not even like a restaurant and have she couldn't leave the bedroom, she couldn't walk. She couldn't leave the house. We brought the cheese plate and crackers and wine and she still wanted to have you know she would have a little bit of a glass of wine and we'd sit and talk about, like, how do you want us to honor your memory?
Speaker 2:what stories do you want us to tell? Your memory, what stories do you want us to tell?
Speaker 1:are there any that she specifically wanted you to tell?
Speaker 2:oh, I have a whole. I have a like on my computer because I would think about questions like when we knew the end was, you know, even like six months before I would go? Oh god, that's something I want to ask her, you know. So we got to have those conversations and then, after she passed, it was so helpful and made the grief so much less in that we knew it was what she wanted and how she wanted and when she wanted, yeah, and that made it more bearable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you hear a lot of stories about what happens when people die and I know, speaking personally, I was nervous.
Speaker 2:Oh God yeah.
Speaker 1:I was nervous about being in the room.
Speaker 2:Well, she was nervous too. She was afraid it was going to traumatize us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she, because you hear about and this happened to my neighbor. My neighbor's dad had Parkinson's and he was the first person I ever heard of that actually chose to die with dignity in the state of California. He wasn't the first one but he was the first person that I personally had met and she said when he died the whole family was there and he looked like he was gone and then he went and, like you hear about, like the death rattle or whatever.
Speaker 1:He like breathed back to life and they were all sitting around crying, you know, around his bed, his deathbed, and then they all, you know, they hear him come back to life and then they're all shocked and they're laughing and they said it was just the most bizarre experience. And so we, I kind of figured that would happen. I also told us it would take a while, like it could take up to, they said, anywhere from 30 minutes to like five hours or something like that, yeah.
Speaker 2:I thought they even said like 20 hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we were nervous about it, yeah. Go ahead Because she was nervous about it.
Speaker 2:We just don't know what to expect Right.
Speaker 2:And her original plan was just to have you and I in the room with her yeah, and Mike if he wanted to, yeah. Her partner, yeah. And then she, in typical Bonnie fashion, changed the plan, which is totally fine and her right to do, which is totally fine and her right to do so. She started the process because she was afraid she'd already lost use of her legs and she was knew that at some point she was going to lose use of her hands and being able to swallow, and she just wanted to have it available when she wanted it.
Speaker 2:And at that point, if that had, she was afraid she would wait too late and not be able to get it, which is something that can happen, and at this point.
Speaker 1:at that point she was already requiring 24-hour care, absolutely.
Speaker 2:She was on hospice yes, which there's hospice care and palliative care and she was's hospice care and palliative care and she was on a hospice and I you. It has to be obviously prescribed by a doctor, but the doctor has to basically say you're getting worse months, you're probably gonna die. I think it's a six month prognosis. Now that's. That's not always the case.
Speaker 1:Some people live for years past that right yeah in her case, because she would have ended up basically trapped in her own mind with a body that wouldn't function and wouldn't swallow.
Speaker 2:She would have been just trapped, yeah, in a body that didn't work that her, as she used to always say, my, my mind is great and my body has totally betrayed me. Yeah, she's traitorous bitch. Traitorous bitch, that body, um. So her a doctor, who wasn't her normal doctor, was an absolute saint and was like yes, there's. You know you might not die in six months, but you might, so I am going to prescribe this, so it is there if you want it. And hospice, I mean, those people are angels. They were incredible. We're here in sonoma county. We used um sutter provenance for hospice and they are like 24 seven, anything you need. They have people checking on you. They have a doctor. They had therapists for us. They had an amazing social worker.
Speaker 1:We had to have group therapy with Bonnie before she died Cause. Part of the challenge was that you were giving you and Mike were basically caregiving 24 hours, and you and I had a conversation one day. There were several of us who thought she needed to go to a facility where she could get care.
Speaker 1:yeah, if she was going to wait for a long period of time, yeah, we wanted her around as long as possible absolutely but if that was going to be months or yeah, or any period of time, she needed more care than you guys could reasonably provide.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Um, so we came to her with that idea.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she was pissed.
Speaker 1:Oh, she told us to go fuck ourselves. Yeah she, she didn't speak to me for like a whole afternoon evening, Like I literally have never seen her that mad at me. Yeah, she was I thought I had heard her call me Cara Bera, for the so fucking upset yeah, she was real fucking mad yeah, and so, and then we had gotten to a screaming match, because I heard her screaming at you in the bedroom and then I came in and I was like don't fucking talk to her like that.
Speaker 1:And then she got mad at me and told me to butt out and I like this is not which, by the way.
Speaker 2:So fucking weird. We howled with laughter about this later that night, like none of us are good at staying mad.
Speaker 1:No but we did have to call the therapists in. Yeah, we had two therapists come in and bonnie's a therapist, yeah but we, the five of us, sat in the room with her and we had a group therapy session to try to make ourselves all okay again, and it turned out she was processing. She's an internal processor, which we're like. Well, we didn't fucking know.
Speaker 2:You could have just told us we're daughters of therapists. We know what the fuck that means.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we ended up sorting it out and she was trying she was wrestling with when yeah, to do it because she wanted to hang on as long as possible, but she was teetering on that line of being of knowing that she was worsening. Yeah and wait. If she waited one day too long, she would have lost maybe lost her ability to swallow and it wouldn't have been an option anymore and once that door has closed, it does not reopen it's not like she'd wake up the next day and be like oh, I can swallow today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly so and there had been times, I'm sure I called you and probably you know, bawled at you. There had been times I'm sure I called you and probably you know, bawled at you. There had been times in the preceding months where I should be like I can't do it anymore, I'm done, get me out of this body. Like I just want to be free of this body. So it wasn't a well, I'm thinking about it and now I'm making the decision.
Speaker 2:We knew and from the time she got diagnosed, her plan was, if things got shitty, to be able to tap out and not die of natural causes. And originally I think this was maybe even before we had the right to die option in California. She would tell me honey, you know, I hear a heroin overdose is a lovely way to go. Like that's fine if you want to. And I was like, well, ok, but let's play this out, I have to get you the heroin. Overdose is a lovely way to go, like that's fine If you want to. And I was like, well, okay, but let's play this out, I have to get you the heroin. I don't know where to get heroin. And she was like, well, I probably know people who could get heroin. Like thinking of her clients, like I think I don't think we should be calling your addict clients and then I'm in jail for procuring your heroin Like this is a bad idea. If this is what you want to do, let's go through the proper channels.
Speaker 1:And she did and she did. And so eventually, we ended up in a scenario where she had decided on a day Yep. And everybody Wait let me she changed the plan she wanted Go ahead.
Speaker 2:Let me back this up. The people, jules, the social worker here, in which, oh my God, jules and she's a fellow deadhead. So, hi, jules, fare thee well. Tip of the hat, salute, cheers, throwing confetti in the air. She recommended a death doula, which we got from an amazing organization called sorry, I knew I was going to forget, it is called End of Life Choices, california. Their website is wwwendoflifechoicescaorg.
Speaker 1:Which we'll link in the show notes.
Speaker 2:Doesn't it feel so cool to say that? I mean, I'm sure we'll get over it, but right now it still feels kind of cool. They were amazing. They have incredible volunteers. We got matched up with a volunteer who we could not have loved more and who had gone through this many times before. I had been in the room where it happened. Um, don't sing hamilton. I know it's so hard not to um I've never seen hamilton.
Speaker 1:Well, we're gonna fix that that's it.
Speaker 2:That's it. God damn it anyways. Um, and she had said you know, I will be there with you that day. If you want, I will mix up the drink, so you don't have to do it. If you don't want, I will hand it to her if you don't want, um. So she was really our shepherd through this whole process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was incredibly helpful to have yeah, their support. So on the day, yes Well.
Speaker 2:First of all, there were a couple days where she was like I'm thinking, maybe this Sunday, and then she was like I don't know, it's kind of close to Well, she was dead set on.
Speaker 1:I forget what day it was she was dead set on first. It was sometime in june she was dead it was juneteenth and I was like mom, no, no, before that, oh, before that she was set on a day in june it was mike's birthday. No, no, it was before that because she couldn't she. We found out that she couldn't get the drugs delivered by that day, remember and so that day right, right, right she was set that that was the day right we couldn't get the drugs in time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then once that day passed, she kind of locked up and couldn't decide on a day after that, like she couldn't decide which day after that.
Speaker 2:So we went back and forth. It was Mike's birthday, it was totally gung ho. Then it was your Parker's birthday.
Speaker 1:Parker's birthday. Yeah, my son.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had. I was the one that talked to her out of Juneteenth. I was like I think that's already somebody else, that's other people's day, you don't get to take that day.
Speaker 1:We kind of needed a day because at that point she had decided we were going to have several of the hospice people there and the death doula people and we were going to have we ended up with my dad.
Speaker 2:Well, your dad definitely wanted to be there and she was like, yeah, I'm okay, you know, uncle Rod, like basically her brother, then bruce other brother, my uncle bruce wanted to come um. Her mom, my mother's mom, was there. God love her. Yeah, um. So originally she just wanted us in the room, but then she was like it's okay with that. Yeah, no, that's okay, that's okay.
Speaker 1:So I think we had probably 20 20 people in that room I don't know if it was that many, but I mean, maybe Her room was full of people, yeah, and plants and flowers and flowers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we got the exact flowers she wanted the candles the scent.
Speaker 1:So paint everyone a picture of what Bonnie wanted her death room to look like.
Speaker 2:She wanted soft candlelight. Vanilla or rain scented Sandalwood was fine. She had a list of scents that were fine. Anything like woodsy, no pumpkin spice, anything she, she, I had I think. I said I had like a pumpkin cedar one and she was like questionable. I was like you know what I can go find whatever. She wanted lots of white flowers everywhere, um, white snapdragons. We had lilies. We just went to the garden center and several garden centers. We went, yeah, and got all the white flowers we could find remember, okay, so remember the first one we went to.
Speaker 1:We walked in and we got somebody to help us. Oh, and you recognized her.
Speaker 2:No, I didn't recognize her, but I knew that. I knew who she was because I knew she had been a client of mom's. I had seen her before at this because this particular garden center was one that is very close to mom's where her house was. So I knew this person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and she was like oh, how is Bonnie? And we were and we're like oh god, actually yeah, and you don't want to say like fine. So we, we gave her the like quick and dirty, like version of right.
Speaker 2:That's why we're here. Yeah, um, and then she was like I need a minute yeah, and that was so I felt so bad.
Speaker 1:It was really awkward, but she thanked us, yeah, and she was really sad and like, oh my god, give her all my love and let her all the flowers know how well I'm doing. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, she got to say her goodbye she even said she was like I would not be here.
Speaker 1:I feel like I might not be here like she. I definitely would not. Be well, but, um, but, yeah, like she was a lifesaver. Yeah, um, god damn it fuck, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Um, so we got all the things yeah and um rearranged her bedroom and put her no, we didn't rearrange her bedroom, we, we got her out of her, out of her hospital bed because the hospice she had to have a hospital bed at that point and we had put the hospital bed in her bedroom next to the bed that was her and her partner, so they could sleep in the same room and if I was spending the night there I could yeah have a place to lie your head.
Speaker 1:Um, so she got in her big bed. You got on one side of her, I got on the other side. Everyone had um gathered. Yes, come, traveled and gotten there. Yes, we sang songs. We sang some songs. Did we sing before or just after?
Speaker 2:we sang her across. We sang after she, yeah, yeah, after she drank the, the shake it looks like.
Speaker 1:So it's like a grayish kind of gritty concoction of several different types of deadly medication and she demanded to have it in a wine glass.
Speaker 2:Yes, which? I was so nervous at that point in time, I mean beyond what we've just talked about already, beyond just Well, I was nervous even when they delivered the box with the meds in it, because I was like this box is things that will 100 kill you. Yeah, it was scary, um, but but it's not like the meds where you know, oh, you drop it on the ground and then the dog drinks it. Like you have to mix, yeah, you have to make a very special concoction watered down concrete.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it doesn't look great and I don't think it tastes great. So they recommend getting popsicles. We chose sorbet yeah, she wanted a sorbet, um, because they want you to have something cold that tastes good.
Speaker 1:That numbs your that numbs your tongue a little bit, so then you can drink the stuff. Yeah and I was nervous that she would taste it and then be like, oh, I can't do it, yeah, but then partially have ingested, like how much is enough? Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't think I wasn't worried about that.
Speaker 1:I was worried she was going to drink part of it and then like put herself in a coma or something, but not like finish the job, not actually off herself, but she freaking. I fed her the sorbet, yeah.
Speaker 2:She took the goblet let me back up for one second just because she had set a few days. And then it wasn't right and Cara and I were both like we can't. If it's not a hell, yes, it's a no. Yeah, if today is not the day, then today is not the day, like it's only the day when you're like hell yes, it's today. And then there was a hell yes day, yeah, so you handed her by the time we did get to this day, she was resolute. Very resolute.
Speaker 1:After she decided on the day yeah, and she was like dead set on the day yeah, and she was like dead, dead set on the day. She did not go back to vacillating at all.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:And that's when she started.
Speaker 2:She was kind of excited. The morphotinies. Oh yeah, oh yeah, they gave me morphine, so um every well, whenever the fuck she wanted, um, she would ask for a more. We fatinis, we would make her like a cute drink with morphine in it.
Speaker 1:Do you remember the first time I gave it to her?
Speaker 2:no, oh my god, I gave it to her and you know she drank it and we were all talking and laughing and remember she was like she would start like kind of talking with her eyes closed but laughing her ass off, and she goes honey, come here, I want to tell you something. I'm like what. So I get up real closer and she goes this, this morphine is shit.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:And you know, when it got to a couple of days before the hospice was like give her all the morphine she wants.
Speaker 1:What's she going to do? Make her comfortable, get addicted?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she said she's like I'm going to totally die. A hardcore drug addict, like fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was funny yeah.
Speaker 2:You get to have all the morphine you want.
Speaker 1:God, I miss her, me too, so fast forward to feeding, numbing her taste buds with mango sorbet.
Speaker 2:Mango sorbet yeah.
Speaker 1:And then she was handed the goblet and she freaking just chugged it. She chugged it like I think I was in my head going chug, chug, chug, because I didn't want her to quit partway through.
Speaker 2:It was like she was doing a keg stand at UCSB.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then she needed more sorbet. We gave her more sorbet to kind of cover up the flavor.
Speaker 2:And they tell you that after you drink the drink, it can take anywhere from. They told us 30 minutes. Well, they said relatively soon.
Speaker 1:You, you drift off like five, ten minutes.
Speaker 2:You drift off right isn't that part of it. Well, they said it. They said it can take anywhere from yeah, maybe, yeah, you're right, maybe they said you drift off, like, but 30 minutes to 20 hours is when you actually actually you, actually yeah, and and they have to be there because someone has to pronounce, do they?
Speaker 2:have to be there, or was that something that we asked no, someone the death doula does not have to be there, but there has to be like a nurse or a doctor there because someone has to pronounce time of death. Okay, um, and so she drank the stuff and in five minutes I was, she was sleeping peacefully. Well, no, in five minutes I was like I think she's gone and they were like no, no, no, it's really early. And I said can you check? And they went and they like felt for a heartbeat, like got a mirror for breath stuff and they were like no, she's gone, she was out in five minutes and they were like that fast, that fast.
Speaker 1:I don't think it was that fast, it was I guarantee, because remember they were like.
Speaker 2:I was like have you ever seen it that fast? Well, I do remember.
Speaker 1:I know that they had never seen it and they were like there was no coughing, no sputtering like once.
Speaker 2:No, they were like she was already she was gone, yeah, and a couple days before she started getting excited, she was like I'm ready for the next great adventure.
Speaker 1:And it was really strange to watch the life go out.
Speaker 2:Yes, it can, can confirm even when you know someone, yeah, even when you know someone really well. Like dead people do not look like alive people.
Speaker 1:She did not look like herself anymore even no, the soul, the soul just, which is why it wasn't that weird to sit in the room yeah, with a dead body.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they then there has to be legally a body collection service. Um, and we had, we were feeling very protective of her former home, yeah, her former sarcophagi that the soul walked her meat suit that we all, you know, walk around in um. So you and I stayed in the room till the the official people came to remove the body and it. I thought it was going to be really weird. I didn't want to look at her that much afterwards because she just looked so different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was strange, um but then, yeah, then they took her body away and that was that. Yeah, and then you and I went outside and sat on the the little walkway behind her house but yeah, her, her house back backs up to a creek and there's a little bench yeah, we sat on the bench and we saw that deer yeah, which we're pretty sure was her yeah, it came and like kind of nodded at us, yeah, and like stared at us for a while and then hung out for a minute and took off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm still waiting to get. Well, I did have a bird poop on me, on my hand in Mexico. Oh really yeah, but it was just the tiniest little poop.
Speaker 2:I'm not that up is because one of the questions that we asked was well you know if you plan on contacting us like later, later, yeah, she's like, oh, I'm gonna contact you guys from the other side and we're like, well, how will we know? Like if, if it's a bird, how will we know it's you? And she said, oh, I'll poop on you yeah, so we're we're counting on that, yeah, um, I have not gotten pooped on. I do find myself like I'll stand under a bird and not necessarily move away.
Speaker 1:I'm hoping for it, yeah. I'm like, literally, I'm down at the pier hanging out underneath the posts.
Speaker 2:Well, that's just sad. I sent you a video from Santa Cruz when I was there.
Speaker 1:You did, and I was like look at these birds.
Speaker 2:That's just sad.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so we're still waiting for that to happen.
Speaker 2:But I will say if anyone has any questions about any of this, we are more than happy to answer any questions. We are more than happy to talk about, expound on any aspect and we want to be advocates, uh yeah, for this process and I I'm so happy we live in california where it was an option, because we know that's not true for some places yeah, we do.
Speaker 1:We miss her. Do we wish she was still here?
Speaker 2:yes, but not under the circumstances that she would be if she was still here today it would be so fucking grim, she would be so pissed and she and you know, like I said before, she was ready, it's what she wanted, she was getting excited. You know, I don't know what comes next, but I'm excited to find out and I'm ready for the next great adventure. And even if there's not adventure which you know, I think there is, and she certainly felt that way, even if there wasn't great adventure, what she, the situation she was in, she could not do anymore, would not do anymore and should not have had to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she really did not want to leave you or you, but she very effectively set us up to take care of each other absolutely, and I'm sure she hence.
Speaker 2:Hence the scavenger hunt that she left us. Hence this podcast, hence dead mom scavenger hunt. Yeah, she left us a list of tasks the scavenger hunt. If you want to hear more about how this started, you can listen to episode one, where we talk about it. Um, go up on some tangents about it, but we try to explain the dead mom scavenger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I don't. She didn't have like. Doing a podcast together was not on her list of requirements but I have to imagine she'd be very excited, oh God, I think that we're spending this much time together, absolutely. Fighting about microphones and things like well, we're just getting, we're getting to know our mics our magic mics um what else you'd be? Happy to know that. So hospice um death doula, uh oh oh, banana talk about the banana okay, this is another thing that people should know that we really need to talk about.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So there, when you no longer have control over your faculties in terms of urinary faculties, urinary faculties, yeah, um, number one and number two. Number two is easier to deal with because you kind of know it's happened usually and you know there is a smell and you can use a diaper and get people changed up, but often with peeing you can't feel it and it's just wet and you don't really know, not good for the skin, not good for the skin. You can get crazy like UTIs, and when you're in that position it's just a real problem. And a lot of women, as they get older, kind of, you know those muscles aren't as, yeah. But if you're bed bound, if you're bed bound, yeah, and you can't control your urine, and you can't control.
Speaker 2:There is a device that it looks like a cotton banana. It looks like a very large tampon that has a little tube connected to it that goes to a pump, like a little machine that's about the size of a shoe box, sitting on its side, that sits right next to the bed. We called it the banana um, and the actual banana part is disposable. And this was like a godsend for her, because you the you know bananas are single use and once it's used up, you just take that one out and like take it off the tube, get a new one, put it back on and put it in place, it on the area, place it on the area which is right where the pee would come out. I'm sure feel free to skip over this part if this isn't what you hear about.
Speaker 2:But when kara says, spread the labia, this is what she's talking about, because if you really want to get it in the exact right position thank god you guys can't see below here, because I'm actually like miming this on my own self um, you have to get it right there. Um, but I forgot. I wish I could remember what it was actually called, do you? No, I don't. Um, it's sadly it is not covered by insurance. It should be, and they're not that uh cheap. She would have had to have a catheter otherwise. Yes, otherwise you have to have a catheter.
Speaker 1:Which comes with its own set of issues.
Speaker 2:This is an external catheter. Um, let me see if I can find the name of it, but it is technically an external catheter. Um, hold vamp while I look.
Speaker 1:Look for this, yeah having to have a catheter. A traditional catheter would have come with its own set of pure wick complications the pure wick system p-u-r-e-w-i-c-k.
Speaker 2:their um website is pure wick at homecom. It is an amazing system. Um yeah, external catheter uh, for women.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's just. That was just a sidebar, because we talk a lot about the banana. We had a lot of jokes about the banana and spreading the labia because Christie would have to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, To tuck it in there. Well, to get it in the right spot, because obviously you want the person who has to have this to be as comfortable as possible, and she was like this banana is the shit, yeah so that was yeah that's the banana. Uh, so what else? Anything like I said, feel free to contact us. Oh, um, where can people?
Speaker 1:find us, kara. You can find us on Instagram at dmshpod, that's at dmshpod.
Speaker 2:If you have questions, you can email us at dmshpod at gmailcom Great. And if people want to contact you personally on the socials, do you want to give that out or no?
Speaker 1:Sure, I mean, I'm on Instagram at Cara C A R a dot Steinman S T E I N M A N N, which I will link because obviously that's a lot.
Speaker 2:I don't use my personal Instagram that much, I only use my work one. But feel free to contact me on that. Um, that's the one I check and it is at drugstore cowgirl jewelry on the instagram. Again, that's at drugstore cowgirl jewelry on the gram and also the tiktok. I mean, I'm also on tiktok at kara steinman. I think that's it. Hopefully I didn't say um too many times.
Speaker 2:I don't care okay, no, it doesn't care, um, that's you don't care, I don't care, that's Death, doulas, and this is Dead. Mom Scavenger Hunt, thanks for joining bye.
